The life and times of an unprepared teacher...

My innocent student, we'll call her "Shirley" to protect her identity, had told me she wanted to learn about tigers. I found an article slightly above her reading level (gotta keep it interesting, right, folks?) and made a copy.

The article seemed innocent enough. The title? "The Secret Life of a Tiger" or something vaguely mysterious. The content? Tiger facts. What could go wrong? (In retrospect, everything. That's why this story is so funny. You'll see.)

A normal teacher would read the article, take notes, make a worksheet, plan a field trip to India, do some fundraising involving red pens and "You Did It!" stickers, and then begin teaching after meditating on the entire process for at least a week. I, however, decided to wing it.

The article started simply enough. It was enthrallingly guilt-trippy. . . "Did you know tigers are endangered? It's probably your fault. Atone!" (this is not a direct quote, but I hope the feeling is clear) "Tigers only eat meat. They aren't good with spinach. But humans have killed all their meat sources. Great job, humans." "Tigers have paws the size of baseball mitts. They could hit you and injure you badly, if they only had a chance against your gun and superior intellect." I felt like Shirley was both learning and enjoying herself. The perfect combo.

And then came the tricky part. "Tigers mark their territory by lifting up their tails, backing up close to a tree, planting their feet firmly, and spraying their pungent urine." (quote may have been exaggerated for comedic reasons.) How was I, a mere teacher, going to explain this to my innocent, eight-year-old ESL student?

Like an idiot.

"Um, ok," I started meekly. "Do you have any questions about these words?"

"What's urine?" Shirley asked. I knew she would go straight for the gold!

"Well. . . urine is not a, uh, nice word. But I need to tell you about it," I responded, stalling so as to steel myself mentally. "OK, so, when you, uh, go to the bathroom (gesture to bathroom mime-style) and sit down and relax, yellow water comes out. This is waste. It's from our kidneys, which are organs. Organs are a team that work together in our bodies. It's urine," I answered. I knew immediately that I had used way too much detail. (I inherited that trait from my dad.) I didn't need to go into kidney functionality, but it seemed so pertinent, you know?

"Oh, you mean pee," she said, without showing any hint of embarrassment.

"Yes. Pee. I, um, didn't realize you knew that word. Urine is pee. A tiger's urine is very stinky, but not to humans. Only to other tigers. They have good noses and they like to sniff trees. They think it's fun. And they like to spray trees with urine, too! This is so they can mark their territory. With pee. . . Any other questions?"

"Nope," she replied.

Another student's life changed. Mission accomplished.

Disney High Horse

***Check out those innocent doe eyes and her meek expression. She's trying to pull you in. . . resist!***

I just finished watching a documentary, and you know what happens after that. . . thoughts. And thoughts lead to. . . my high horse.

The documentary was regarding Disney and the messages in its media. I have loved Disney forever, ever since I received the Beauty and the Beast VHS tape for Christmas and made everyone at both Christmases watch it. I can sing Little Mermaid from front to back, and Robin Williams as the Genie in Aladdin never ceases to make me giggle. However, after seeing the documentary and really thinking about those films, particularly their portrayals of women as helpless, I am starting to become incensed. Stop and reflect for a second. Ariel "gets" Eric only after she loses her voice. Beauty "fixes" the Beast so he no longer treats her like trash. And these are happy endings.

Disney's most recent animated film was Tangled. I watched this movie with my students, and its sexism was flagrant. Rapunzel literally wouldn't leave her house without first finding protection from a man, and even though the only man she could find was a dishonest thief, she allowed him to lead her/provide her security on her journey anyways. Sure, she showed strength, if you can count hitting somone with a frying pan multiple times, but in the end, she fell in love, just like countless female leads in Disney movies before. (Spoiler alert! She also changed from blonde to brunette, which was the big surprise twist in the finale.) How original. And here I was, showing this movie to kids?! Ahhhhh! Even Mulan fell in love at the end of her movie! What's a modern, feminist-leaning, anti-chivalry girl to do here?

So perhaps I won't be forcing any hypothetical eventual offspring to enjoy a Disney marathon with me. I wouldn't want to mess with their heads.

P.S.-Chin-Hwa is a self-described "fun-hater" meaning he can't turn off his philosophy to enjoy things. This post is in honor of his ability to hate fun at all times and in all situations.

I want whatever they are selling...

Commercials in Korea are mesmorizing. I can't look away. Marketing in Korea is all about fun fun fun! Even though I can't understand the words in the commercials, I end up wanting whatever they are selling. Case in point:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohvmNwlS08c

If you've ever tried Soju, a Korean rice liquor that they are selling in this ad, you would know that it's harsh, rubbing alcohol like taste is hard to stomach. However, after watching this commercial, your mind will change! It might taste like unicorns! It doesn't matter! Just buy some!

A note: Almost all Korean commercials feature actors and actresses who are already really famous. Therefore, you can start to recognize the same faces everywhere you go. Hyori Lee, the main woman in this commercial, can be seen on posters, in coffee shops, and on countless other television ads.

Driving in Korea

I've been driving here in Korea since last September. It took me a while to adjust to the new driving etiquette. To the faint of heart, driving in Korea may feel like a random mix of speeding and ignoring lights. However, there are subtle rules...

1. If a light is red, it is merely a suggestion. This is particularly true if you are a taxi, it's early in the morning, or you are rushing to pick up some ice cream from the store. Also, if you're a taxi, you can just flash your brights to signal that you've got places to go and thus won't be stopping or slowing for the light.

2. If you cut someone off, which all drivers in Korea are wont to do, you may choose to flash your hazards for a few seconds. This is like saying, "Oopsie. Sorry I'm a jerk. Please accept my lame apology as I slow down in front of you after cutting you off."

3. If you are upset at another driver, either for something they did to you or for no specific reason at all, you may choose to flash your brights. Why? To frustrate the other driver. It works.

4. All cars, even the nicest of the newest import vehicles, have little cushions on the outside of their doors. These cushions look cheesy, but they serve the all important purpose of protecting your door from the various obstacles which may get in your way in tiny parking lots. ***For help understanding this idea which I find extremely difficult to describe at this particular moment, see the edited photo below:

5. No parking? No problem! Just pull into the right hand lane, intended originally for thru traffic, and park! Don't forget to turn on your hazards so all the people forced to change lanes so you might run in for a quick errand will feel happy that you at least feel some small semblance of remorse.

6. Should you see a police car, drive in your normal way. There's no need to slow down or follow any rules more closely than before. Why? Because the police have better things to do!

7. Never ever go into the pedestrian walk way during their green light. This may sound logical, but it feels slightly counterintuitive. Pedestrians only have about ten seconds of freedom near the roadways, during which they can be assured that they need not fear for their lives. The rest of the time, pedestrians must be ever vigilant because cars will NOT stop for them, even if the pedestrians are wielding a double stroller or riding in a wheelchair.

8. It is customary to back into your parking spots. This is so you can show off your mad skills. However, after a long empirical study (involving one failed attempt to back into a space), I have decided that backing in takes longer than just pulling into the spot and backing out later.

House Pants

Today, a harrowing look into the life and times of my house pants. The inspiration for this post came during a recent feverish sickness, so that might explain the strangeness...

What are house pants, a.k.a. cookie pants? They are the kind of pants you only wear in the house. They usually have some major flaw which forces your sense of decency to prevent you from wearing them anywhere but in the comfort of your own home. But their comfort level is irresistible when one's only plan is to lounge about. In rare instances, house pants have been allowed outdoors: early college classes, short late night errands, any all girls school dress down days, and the like. House pants are never allowed outside if you are a Korean woman, who must

have a much higher threshold for fashion than me. Here is a sampling of house pants found in my own drawers.

1. Yellow Scrub pants. Pros: Scrubs are super comfortable. Cons: Yellow color means they are see through at times. Be careful.

2. Flower pants. Pros: Actually cute. Cons: So thin that they seem to make my legs even colder than they were before said pants.

3. Stripes. Pros: A shorter cut for those terrible days you don't know whether you want to wear shorts or pants. The perfect compromise. Cons: The only thing that can make house pants more ridiculous are stripes.

4. Gray fleece. Pros: Perfect for the winter. I was wearing them at the time of the house pants photo shoot. I didn't photograph my head so as not to scare anyone with my morning hair. Cons: Major flood pants.

I once attempted to wear house pants as actual pants. The only thing that stopped me was Chin-Hwa, who lovingly asked me why I was wearing those house pants outside. Thanks to him, I avoided that fashion nightmare.

Christmas Festivities!

Here are some pictures from our second Christmas in Korea. Click on the slideshow to see bigger copies of the pictures and to see the captions, which are hilarious, if I do say so myself.

A Letter to Fans of Jackie's Blog.

Dear Friends and Family,

On this lovely, "Jackie's Birthday"-Day, I, Chin-Hwa (her loving, smart, articulate, suave, handsome, athletic.... I could go on... hubby), have decided to write as a privileged guest blogger. And no, I did not have to ask Jackie's permission in order to write this. I simply snooped around the internet until I could find a way to hack into my wife's blogger account. If you truly love somebody, you will find a way to pry your way into EVERY crevice of your loved one's private life. Otherwise, you're just not trying.

Anyway, I am "ghost-blogging" today because it is my lovelypants' birthday (we have lots of cutesy-wootsy monikers for each other, perhaps on a later blog post....). At first, I came on this blog to do what I always love to do: brag about myself. I wanted to write how I am so interesting, mysterious, intriguing, and most of all.... modest. But alas, faithful blog readers, I will have control the urge to reveal how great I am. Instead, I guess I will use this time to write how great Jackie is. If you get bored while reading the rest of this, I can't say that I blame you.

First, all the goodies about my honeybuns is already known. She's smart, funny, beautiful, helpful, witty, and a semi-competent card player (what more could a husband ask for?). However, the thing that I like most about her is that she really is not afraid to embarrass herself. And she has had PLENTY of opportunities to blunder, and then try to act smooth ("What? Me? Stumble? Never!"). Farting in public. Butchering the Korean language in front of my relatives. Getting completely lost... in Omaha. And being honest about it... Priceless.

So please. All you friends and family reading this blog (and not posting comments, shame on you). Don't be modest. Write something. I won't judge. We all can't be Shakespeare or Alice Walker. Write ANYTHING. You can write pleasant niceties such as, "Happy Birthday," or, "We love you." But lets share the goodies. Let's share stories. Let's share stories such as the one where a 5 year-old Jackie poops into a toilet... you know... the one's ON DISPLAY in a hardware store. Let's share and really show Jackie how much you care, and how much we love Jackie. Because nothing says, "Love," like minor humiliation.

With love (and a little schaudenfreude),

Chin-Hwa (her husband who has never been embarrassed in his life, but is about to get in to DEEP trouble after his honeymuffins finds out about this post).